The History of Drawlings

Ever since the moment I was given my first crayon I was in love.  In love with art.  I drew constantly as a child.  My parents had it easy because all they had to do was give me some paper, a pencil, some crayons, colored pencils or markers and I was set for the day.  Well, I might require a sandwich or two for the day, and a juice box, but other than that I was set.

As I got older I drew a lot of inspiration from video games and manga and felt that I found my art niche.  When I was fifteen I discovered an artist, Priscilla Hamby who I admired so much that I very nearly became her clone, artistically.  I regret emulating her so much in retrospect, it's handicapped me as an artist now.  But it is what it is.  I was at least happy and delighting in the niche I finally found myself in.

Then three years later *dramatic music* I joined the military.  Reality threw a swift, merciless backhand to my face.  Everything about drawing flew out the window and everything about just simply surviving day to day took over.  Four years after that, at the age of twenty-two, my active duty contract was finally over and I returned home with grand ideas of snuggling back into that comfortable niche I was in through high school.  But reality struck again.  The civilian equivalent of my military job fell through and I was stuck living with my parents, still reeling from a very messy breakup, totally flat broke, and struggling staying sane under my parent's roof.  Emotional and desperate, I threw together a messy plan to move up north and start a new life up there, independent and free from everything that was just incapable of getting control of.  But I had no concept of trying to hash out a living on part-time job pay and ran myself into debt just trying to keep up with bills.  So back to my parent's house I went.  Back to the drawing board.  Ha!

So now, nearing the big two-six, I'm at a loss where the hell I am at with my art anymore.  I'm slowly gaining speed again, discovering my style once more.  But how do I do it?  How do I really pull all this off?  I'm quite simply just too busy to sit down and draw.  If I'm not actually busy, my mind is too busy.  Sure I've spent nearly 20 minutes composing this wall of text, but I tried to draw and it wasn't distracting me away enough from being sick as venting over the internet.  (Excuses, excuses!)  In the last few weeks I literally haven't sat in one spot longer than 10 minutes unless I've been sleeping, eating, or driving.  I made a new commitment for myself; I must commit myself to draw something at least once a day and surprisingly I've managed to fulfill this commitment so far.  But since I can't seem to sit still it's all quick, meaningless sketches.  It's something, but not enough.  I've been watching a great many artists online pump out these beautiful pieces day after day.  I don't know how they do it.  I don't think I could ever clear my mind enough to sit down and actually finish an art piece.

Tomorrow I'm going to an appointment to fill out some paperwork for tuition assistance at a local college to begin a degree in graphic design.  My whole life I've wanted to get a degree in fine arts or illustration, but I've lowered my standards and decided that I don't quite have that "it" factor to ever be successful with actual art.  Instead I'll just stick with boring, corporate, easy-money art.

I just wish things could be like way back when I was first really starting to draw, back when I was five, six, seven, eight.  Back when I was correcting my young peers and telling them; "It's called 'drawing' not 'drawling'."  But don't we all wish for what things once were?  Don't we all wish that we could start over again and do things a little different?

Sorry for being so melancholy.  I always end up getting this way as my birthday starts to close in on me.  Haha!

~ Dani

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